Dear Love…

Dear Love,

You will have to forgive me for writing you this letter but I feel that it is long over due. I have waited patiently for your arrival for so long that sometimes I forget that I am actually waiting. I am slowly starting to accept the fact that I just may be that one person in the family that may never discover the beauty within you.

The times that I think deeply about you make me question your existence. Are you there for me? Are you not a figment of my imagination? Are you not an illusion I entertain courtesy of the Romance novels I have poured over the years to make my soul happy? To nurture my wanning faith in your actual existence?

There are a handful of instances where I felt that you were so close that not only could I believe in your true existence but could languish in the feelings that the thought of you evoked. In these instances; I have experienced nothing but snatched hope and dreams.

Rejection, disappointment and ghosting at your expense have brought me unimaginable pain. Pain I did not think I would ever experience time and time again coupled with my other lot in life. Physical pain heals but emotional pain, there is no permanent relief for that except time, endurance and acceptance.

If there is anything this life has shown me; it is that to accept to hurt interminably for an unknown period of time takes sheer will power many do not have and neither do I. I almost came close to throwing in the towel this time last year because it was heartwrenchingly tough for me to withstand being emotionally and physically broken at the same time.

Would you believe it if I told you that I have rivulets of tears streaming down my face while penning you this letter? I would like to believe that it is cathartic but that would be lying. I have been crying on and off since July begun for no good reason. No. There is a good reason. I tend to lose people that I actually care for and presumably care for me in this month. And last year, well… I gathered my self-respect and lost again.

I look back on the times I was led on because of you. The times I have had my hopes crushed out of empty promises. The times I have believed in the words of humans that have never so much as paid for my data subscription and worst of it all; having to share my most prized dream – little Shanah’s existence and mapped out life like she was a useless piece of gossip to share with everyone.

I hate you for that, you know. I hate you for having the ability to let people bait others with their most cherished dreams for entertainment: hoping that it comes true with them. Some things should be no-go areas and this is one of them.

Do you exist? I believe you do. I see hints of you in a lovers’ embrace, the lingering glances and touches, beautifully written words in text and the intimate gestures that breathe nothing but familiarity between couples that make me sigh out of pleasure for being privy to them from the sidelines.

Do you exist for me? I do not know. Would I like to find out? Maybe. I remain uncertain of this because of past experiences. I find myself shying away from flirtations and deeper conversations with the opposite sex because I do not wish to hurt any more. I no longer have the desire for meaningless conversations with people that do not excite me intellectually, humorously and emotionally. Most of all; I have come to loathe being used as a vessel to alleviate people’s boredom, faux separation and silent treatments in their relationships.

People are under the impression that I am seeking perfection. They could not be more wrong. I am seeking emotional availability, consistency, honesty and action. Nothing more than that.

But, it kind of seems too much to ask especially during this wait for you. I do not even know what to ask for anymore. The endless waiting period has filled me with a lot of doubt regarding your existence for me.

If you do exist for me, If you eventually arrive, may you be everything and more than I could ever dream of. May you show me your glorious beauty and imbue my soul with all the contentment it can take. And most of all; give me the simple pleasure of basking in the splendor of your reflection in a lover’s eyes and the warmth of his embrace.

Yours,

Shanah

Could We?

Could we start over?

Learn each other a new?

Appreciate the quirks we missed about us?

Could we start over?

Let the love we held onto tightly unfurl?

Blossom into the splendour we denied ourselves?

Could we start over?

Heal the hurts between us and build new memories?

Nurture the love that can no longer be hidden?

Could we start over?

Our bodies are starting to betray us

In recognition of the attraction between us

Could we start over?

Photo credit: psiloveyou.xyz

It’s Never About Ego

It’s never about ego.

It’s about how you react to his return.

When what he brings to the table, no longer excites you,

Like the thoughts of you together.

In his desire to capture what used to be,

He forgets that; the love he left blossoming,

Died with each month of his absence.

It’s the lack of excitement upon his return, that makes the decision for you.

It’s never about ego.

Mental Chains

Everyday,

She finds herself looking into a rainbow coloured world,

Wondering,

If she’ll ever be brave enough to let go of the mental chains that held her back.

Ps: this is something I wrote in 2015. It came up in my Facebook memories. So, I decided to share it here.

Flawed

Maybe it would be better if we didn’t know people intimately?

It would give them the chance, to hide the darkest pieces of themselves.

And us, the opportunity to remain enthralled by them.

Shrouded in the mystery of who we perceive them to be.

Than the flawed and broken pieces they actually are.

Shanah

I Miss Us

I miss you,

I miss us.

I miss how you’d randomly tell me about your day,

How you would wake up in the middle of the night and text me.

I miss the silly emojis that littered your texts,

I thought them kiddish but they were you,

Your thing.

I miss who you were to me.

If I could take us back,

I’d take us back to the night I asked if you wanted to talk?

We were so close then,

Unlike the people we are now.

Shanah

Photo credits; googledotcom

Death

We’re so used to letting go that we never bat an eyelid when people come into our lives and leave.

It’s when we realise that they’re walking their last steps on earth; that we take the moment to blink.

As the feeling of their presence or lack thereof registers, mentally and emotionally.

Then, do we appreciate the import of someone’s presence in our lives.

When He Looks At Her

There are moments when he looks at her,
Seeking the love that shone brilliantly with each gaze.
Searching for the little smile that crossed her lips with each interaction between them.
Aching for the acts of affection that were given so lavishly but went  unappreciated.

There are moments when he looks at her,
With bated breath and a frightfully hopefully gaze.
Looking for the love he thought was infinitely his,
From eyes clouded by his disappointments,
And a heart forever broken by them.

He Called Her At Midnight

Alexandra. I hope I didn’t wake you”, he said.
“No. I am up finalizing a design.”
She heard him draw a deep albeit shaky breath. Like he was mentally bracing himself for what he was about to say. Hearing him do so put her on edge. The call itself had thrown her mind and emotions off kilter. To hear him do so before revealing his reasons for the late night phone call didn’t bode well.
“Max… What’s wrong?”
“Alexandra… She… I need you…”, Max was never a stutterer. If anything; he was the one person you could rest assured would find the right words, no matter the situation. His incoherent reply meant the situation was a lot worse than she could imagine.
“What is it?”, she asked. “Tell it to me at once because you’re scaring me.”
With that; her thoughts raced over every possible situation that could get him to act this way. Try as she may; she couldn’t find a plausible reason that would explain his current behavior. She was about to prod him for an explanation when his hushed words cut off her thoughts.
“Tessa died.” He whispered over the phone. “She must have slipped out of the apartment while I was in the shower”. His change in tone denoted the gravity of the situation. A situation, it seemed, he couldn’t bring himself to accept. Every word out of him came in slow, shaky tones that brooked no interruption.
Tears rushed to her eyes as she tried to stifle a sob while listening to the gory details. Marc- his next door neighbour, had found the little dog whimpering and covered in blood on the way back from his late night jog. He’d immediately scooped it up and rushed to Max’s apartment after recognising her spotted tail.

Alexandra could only imagine what this loss would do to him. Tessa was his world. The last tangible link to a past he refused to let go of. The one thing he swore was the only good thing out of it. Knowing how much Tessa meant to him made her glad for the fact that they were able to share her last moments together – in the safe haven of his arms where she had known so much love and comfort.

He Called Her At Midnight

He called her at midnight. She was so startled by the sound of her ringtone she could barely think beyond seeing his name flash across her phone screen. In that moment; she tried to recall the last time she’d talked to him and realized she could no longer place the sound of his voice. No matter how she tried, the voice she’d loved so much had faded from memory. With a frustrated sigh, she gave up and concentrated on the call.Why was he calling now? Why today of all days?

It was almost five years to the day they said their final goodbye. The day she had looked into his vacant eyes and whispered ‘goodbye’ to him. Burying the love they shared along with it. That day was quite unforgetable that thinking about it now brought a slight chill to her arms. The air had been so frigid she had felt the chill down to her bones. Like God was freezing every fibre of her love for him in time, in a place she could no longer visit because of the memories.
Over the years; the chill had thawed to be replaced by a warmth she was beginning to revel in. Until his name flashed across her phone screen. She knew she couldn’t let it ring intermittently, because when the love of your life calls, the call never goes unanswered.

Alexandra took two deep breaths to still her racing thoughts and picked up the phone.
“Hello? Alexandra, are you there?”
Every little scenario Alexandra had conjured up in the past five years could not prepare her for this moment. She had dreaded it ever since their goodbye. And now; it was finally upon her. The moment she would say ‘hello’ to him again. All the little scenarios and mental pep-talks disappeared like ash beneath a strong wind, as memories of their time together chased each other across her mind, in preparation for the words that would let him back into her life.

“Hello.”