Dear Katara,
I am writing because I have been besieged by a bout of sadness. I am from watching this video of a 12-year-old trying to teach his toddler sister how to walk. Seeing the little girl being lifted reminded me so much of how I wanted you (little Katara) to draw breath in this world.
You are the one thing whose life was mentally planned out. You were to be born out of love even if your dad and I were not together. This is because I have never seen a man by my side in all my visions of you.
At one time, I debated over giving you a brother. In my mind you are a sole child but the relationship between my brother and I made me to consider giving you a brother so you would not be alone.
Yes, I was scared to have you. Having you meant putting my health in danger. But I am always in danger because my health is precarious. Anything can kill me. However, not having you has nothing to do with my health. I would have risked it because I wanted you to have the very best of me.
My spirit, my heart, my big eyes, petit figure, dainty feet and hands, not forgetting forehead. These are some of the things I take pleasure in as an individual and would have loved to have them duplicated in you, my kitten.
Life! Life has not allowed it. I have never been in a long term relationship, if you discount texting. I have never had a boyfriend, or someone show me practical interest in a romantic way. The person I have tried to be with twice loves to ghost me like my feelings do not matter. So, how could you be born, my kitten?
2020/21 were the perfect years to have you. The world was literally at a standstill because of the global pandemic. I kept thinking that if I had a boyfriend, I would have used that period to have you. But there was no boyfriend, well not in the physical sense. Only text.
And then; I requested someone whose mind and sense of humour I appreciated to be my sperm donor. I looked into artificial insemination almost had the products delivered. As the months rolled by and clearance of the car purchase process was done, I accepted that I could not take on the sole responsibility of having you and raising you. Kitten: I proved that I could raise you by myself, if I wanted, by purchasing a car and having it cleared alone. That process was so draining and difficult that it required me to think again.
I had second thoughts. Being ghosted when I least expected it, going broke because I had used up all my finances and doing something so big even if for myself without additional support of a partner brought me to my senses. I could have you my kitten, I just did not (do not) want to be a sole parent, by choice.
Well, I went back to my would-be sperm donor and released him of the responsibility. What is sad about this is that we have never spoken since then. He too, blue ticks me. Even when I think of him randomly, which I do, often, I fear to text because I do not want to be left on blue ticks. That acquaintanceship ended like that.
I’m getting older. This body that has never been seen by a naked man or laid next to one is showing the effects of gravity, age, and weight. Am I energetic? I don’t think so. I’m much slower than before which can be blamed on the imminent need for that hip replacement. My breasts which I used to be proud of are drooping. Seeing this recently brought tears to my eyes. The weight, it will go. I have been so lethargic lately.
One thing you should know is that even in my dreams; my wildest imaginations of you, you are and always will be loved. Always. If I was promised of your existence, in my next life, I would have you in a heartbeat. But I do not relish the thought of a next life. This one life has been enough for me to know that I am not strong enough to go through it again life in another lifetime.
I love you.
Yours would have been Mama.
Simply Shanah 